Tomorrow … tomorrow would have been our 5th wedding anniversary.
Staring at that sentence as I’ve just typed it feels very odd. It feels weird for something I would normally be celebrating to now be in the past tense. My husband and I separated in late July, and it’s still incredibly difficult for me to comprehend that, and everything else that has happened since.
That sounds even more odd to say, because I never quite felt like a bonafide adult until this very point in my life. Separating from your husband is a very adult-like thing to do. It feels and sounds like something people way older than I am would do … not me.
It’s the most mixed up I’ve probably ever felt in my life, too. I am alone now, and sometimes that’s equal parts terrifying and exciting. I do feel absolutely sure of my decision, but then there are times when I will burst into tears at random moments because something triggers a memory or sets me off. Like the other day — someone asked if me if I wanted to go do some typical fall things this weekend. Things like pumpkin picking and hay rides, which I adore, will now always carry a little tinge of sadness with them. I said yes anyway, because I don’t want to be that person who passes up fun experiences because there’s a slight chance they’ll be accompanied by some emotion. Life is emotion.
Will I make it through tomorrow without crying? Probably not. I could barely make it through writing this blog post without my eyes welling up with tears. But I will spend tomorrow with my family and good friends, and I will do my damnedest to feel incredibly thankful for everything I do have that is good and wonderful.
I know that it was the right thing to do, but I am still in mourning over my marriage. I understand why it ended, and that it had to end, but I know deep down that it’s changed me forever and that I’ll have to deal with it the rest of my life. And I worry about him. Just because you have to split from someone doesn’t mean you stop caring about them. It just didn’t work. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I don’t want him to hurt like I’ve hurt. I want the both of us to make it through this and come out on the other side stronger and more self-aware … whether that takes weeks, months or years. But most of all, I want each of us to find love again. And I want each of us to be happy.